Lyric essay from the archives: “When Mom and Dad Fell in Love, They Were Young” 2/11/07

In honor of the rapidly approaching holiday that is Valentines day… Andy Warhol imitation lyric essay for all! Negativity at its finest. Enjoy.

When Mom and Dad Fell in Love, They Were Young — Sharon Clark | February 11, 2007

Loving a man who can grow facial hair will cause brush-burn.

If a man finds a woman who looks good when she wears makeup, he should kiss her. If her lipstick and foundation smudges but she doesn’t look like a clown, she’s a keeper.

In elementary school yearbooks, all the girls drew hearts around the pictures of boys they thought were cute. There were boys I loved, but I didn’t draw hearts around them because the other girls didn’t think they were cute. When I got older and I knew how cute the boy was didn’t matter, I wasn’t in grade school and I didn’t have yearbooks to draw hearts in.

Evidence that love was created by capitalism:

1. Couples packages sold by travel agents.

2. The profession of wedding planning.

3. Loveseats.

When I was lonely, I thought I was in love with my ex boyfriend again. I told him I loved him, but I didn’t remember why I broke up with him until he bought a bus ticket to see me.

To avoid love and relationships, males and females should live on different sides of town, only coming together to have sex when population is low. Females would look forward to sex.

I am against love because of its involvement in overpopulation, suburban sprawl, and industrialization.

If bars of chocolate quintupled in size and grew appendages, women would forget about men.

When I was told “I love you” for the first time, I said “thank you.” Someone who loves you might also love your hair, your style, and your connections.

Pay little attention to the person you love. Focus on your agenda and don’t worry about his. Don’t waste time on phone calls and visits that won’t come. Go running.

When I watched the 1996 version of Romeo and Juliet, I fell in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. In my dreams we went on dates to theme parks and he bought me ice cream. The summer I fell in love with Leo, I went to theme parks with my friends and hoped he’d run into me there with an ice cream cone to tell me he loved me too.

Love is so popular that there are diseases following it around.

Love is man-made, like condoms.

Roses are a symbol of love because they wilt and die.

It’s possible to love someone the same way you love beer, but a person is not a meal substitute. Beer is a meal substitute for the lonely.

The seduction process is similar to the process of getting drunk. Liquor is mixed with juice or soda, and seduction is mixed with chocolate, wine, and an expensive dinner.

Part of being a celebrity is getting married to another celebrity. Famous people can use marriage as a movie promotion to make more money, but regular people get a tax break.

In the winter, people fall in love to cut heating costs. In the summer, people don’t want to stick to each other in bed, but air conditioning is expensive. When summer comes, the couples that get together because of money take a break until the weather gets cooler again.

Some people like their image. They look in the mirror and say, “Damn, you’re good looking.” Those are people with self-love. People with self-love like their image so much they date people who look like them.

My mom has been with my dad since she was a freshman in high school. Now they are nearing sixty. My mom always told me she was glad I was brave enough to break up with boys and date others.

I’ve heard women whine about wanting a boyfriend as if they were little girls that wanted a new doll. Boys should watch out for these women because right out of the box he will be treated like an eight-inch piece of plastic with immobile hair.

My older sister took care of me when I was little. I was attached to her. I didn’t understand why we had to leave her in New York City after we drove her there for college. Until I fell asleep in the back seat of the car, I cried and reached out the back window for my sister. Later that night my mom called my sister, and as she spoke to her she stuck out her bottom lip, frowned, and looked at me as she said, “Sharon really loves you.”

My mom told me that some women wear diamonds on their hands to show how much their husband loves them. When I asked why she didn’t have a ring, she told me that some diamonds come from Africa, and that people get their hands chopped off so jewelry stores can buy the diamonds.

If love has symptoms, then it is an illness.

The Beatles said, “All you need is love.” You can’t make a down payment for a house with love.

There are feelings I enjoy more than love. Like warmth, a full stomach, or a coffee-buzz.

Girls tell me they feel butterflies in their stomach when they think about the boy they love. If love makes girls crazy enough to eat dead butterflies, then I should buy a net and start a business.

Relationships are like Chinese take out. You keep the leftovers in the fridge, but they never taste as good when you reheat them, and sometimes you get indigestion.